Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Research Book: Summary of the book so far Part 2
So far, Tannen explained that when men and women listen and speak, they do so using two different yet equally valid "languages": Men listen and speak in the language of independence and status while women listen and speak in the language of intimacy and connection. These two languages are developed when the people are very young children. Since these two languages inherently contradict each other, many problems and misunderstandings can arise from this. Tannen gives us many scenarios from her own life, her friend's and colleagues' lives, and even from works of fiction, that demonstrates how these speakers of two different languages interact with people of the same gender and how they interact (and sometimes create conflicts) with the opposite sex.
One scenario is when someone is asking for help. Tannen tells us about a couple that she knew who is driving around, trying to find a street that is supposed to be nearby. The man is driving and the woman is at the front seat. The man insists on finding the street on his own because to him, "driving around until he finds his way is the reasonable thing to do, since asking for help makes him uncomfortable. He's avoiding that discomfort and trying to maintain his sense of himself as a self-sufficient person." Meanwhile, his wife is furious because "if she were driving, she would have asked directions as soon as she realized she didn't know which way to go...Since asking directions does not make Sybil uncomfortable, refusing to ask makes no sense to her" (62). Tannen explained that this happened because to the man, being the one who gives directions means that he knows more than the other person and therefore higher up in the ladder while being the one who receives directions means he knows less and one step lower on the ladder. Also, because saying "I don't know" is humiliating and because he wants to be independent, he thinks that asking for directions will also make him dependent and that taking a wild guess or driving around until he finds the place is the best thing to do. Women, on the other hand, "not only feel comfortable seeking help, but feel honor-bound to seek it, accept it, and display gratitude in exchange." One example she gives of that is how when one of her friends got off the subway, she would ask where a place is even if she can figure it out with a little effort. Even after the person she asked could not help her at all, "she had used the commonplace ritual of asking directions of a stranger not only - and not mostly - to find her way on emerging from the subway, but to reinforce her connection with the mass of people in the big city by making fleeting contact with one of them."
The next chapter talks about the differences in the way men and women in "public and private speaking". Women and girls are more comfortable with private speaking, where they talk with a few people who they are very close and comfortable with and in settings that feel like "home". Men and boys, on the other hand, like public speaking with strangers and bigger groups of people because to them, they must "perserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order" (77) by being able to show others their knowledge and skills.
When women talk to their best friends, they talk about everything in great detail while men tend to dismiss a lot of things as "unimportant", especially those small details women look for. As a result, there are a lot of times when the woman will feel that the man is distant while the man still thinks that they are close: the man is very happy with the fact that she is there with him and a lot of the small details that women like to talk about is seen as nothing noteworthy, so he stays silent unless it is something he feels is important. The woman would feel that the silence means that they are drifting further and further away because he is not talking a lot which means that he does not care. This feeling of drifting away is amplified when she finds that the man is very talkative when he is around others but not when they are both together alone.
The next chapter was about gossip, which Tannen describes as details of your friend's life that you tell to another friend. It is something can either be destructive or an important part of constructing intimacy, especially for women. She relates it to telling secrets as children, saying that "telling what's happening to your life and the lives of those you talk to is a grown-up version of telling secrets, the essence of girls' and women's friendships" (97).
Gossip creates friendships between women because they feel that exchanging and telling secrets is the way they go from being an acquaintance to being a friend since they now know that they can speak their minds when they are with each other. On the other hand, a woman who is not telling her friends secrets will hurt those friends because they will feel that she does not want to be connected to them and is distancing herself from the group.
Gossip and secrets are used my women and girls as proof of status: when a girl claims that she is friends with a popular girl, the way that she proves that to others is by showing them that she knows secrets that the popular girl can only tell her if they are friends. Boys, on the other hand, usually do not do this nearly as much because gossip does very little to raise their status, since their hierarchy is based on skill and winning arguments.
Women like to go over the small details because when someone asks them for those details, they feel that the person cares for them.
----
As of now, I think that everything goes back to how boys and girls grow up playing different games with different rules and types of hierarchies shape how they do everything in the rest of their lives. It also goes back to how the society you live in demands that you speak in a certain way (like how in some societies, you have to use "north", "south", "east", and "west" to survive): in order to fit in and function the children have to learn how to listen, speak, and act in certain ways in their conversations in order to find and keep friends and/or status. Men and women have to constantly look and listen for the changes in their friendships and their status when talking to someone and they have to act accordingly to try to keep the friendship alive.
I think that Tannen will expand even more on the argument that men want independence and status and that women want intimacy and connection by giving more detailed examples and scenarios. I think that she will also explain how people can adjust their conversations so that these misunderstandings can be avoided. I am looking forward to the "Lecturing and Listening" chapter, because I think that this is one of the biggest sources of conflict between men and women.
One scenario is when someone is asking for help. Tannen tells us about a couple that she knew who is driving around, trying to find a street that is supposed to be nearby. The man is driving and the woman is at the front seat. The man insists on finding the street on his own because to him, "driving around until he finds his way is the reasonable thing to do, since asking for help makes him uncomfortable. He's avoiding that discomfort and trying to maintain his sense of himself as a self-sufficient person." Meanwhile, his wife is furious because "if she were driving, she would have asked directions as soon as she realized she didn't know which way to go...Since asking directions does not make Sybil uncomfortable, refusing to ask makes no sense to her" (62). Tannen explained that this happened because to the man, being the one who gives directions means that he knows more than the other person and therefore higher up in the ladder while being the one who receives directions means he knows less and one step lower on the ladder. Also, because saying "I don't know" is humiliating and because he wants to be independent, he thinks that asking for directions will also make him dependent and that taking a wild guess or driving around until he finds the place is the best thing to do. Women, on the other hand, "not only feel comfortable seeking help, but feel honor-bound to seek it, accept it, and display gratitude in exchange." One example she gives of that is how when one of her friends got off the subway, she would ask where a place is even if she can figure it out with a little effort. Even after the person she asked could not help her at all, "she had used the commonplace ritual of asking directions of a stranger not only - and not mostly - to find her way on emerging from the subway, but to reinforce her connection with the mass of people in the big city by making fleeting contact with one of them."
The next chapter talks about the differences in the way men and women in "public and private speaking". Women and girls are more comfortable with private speaking, where they talk with a few people who they are very close and comfortable with and in settings that feel like "home". Men and boys, on the other hand, like public speaking with strangers and bigger groups of people because to them, they must "perserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order" (77) by being able to show others their knowledge and skills.
When women talk to their best friends, they talk about everything in great detail while men tend to dismiss a lot of things as "unimportant", especially those small details women look for. As a result, there are a lot of times when the woman will feel that the man is distant while the man still thinks that they are close: the man is very happy with the fact that she is there with him and a lot of the small details that women like to talk about is seen as nothing noteworthy, so he stays silent unless it is something he feels is important. The woman would feel that the silence means that they are drifting further and further away because he is not talking a lot which means that he does not care. This feeling of drifting away is amplified when she finds that the man is very talkative when he is around others but not when they are both together alone.
The next chapter was about gossip, which Tannen describes as details of your friend's life that you tell to another friend. It is something can either be destructive or an important part of constructing intimacy, especially for women. She relates it to telling secrets as children, saying that "telling what's happening to your life and the lives of those you talk to is a grown-up version of telling secrets, the essence of girls' and women's friendships" (97).
Gossip creates friendships between women because they feel that exchanging and telling secrets is the way they go from being an acquaintance to being a friend since they now know that they can speak their minds when they are with each other. On the other hand, a woman who is not telling her friends secrets will hurt those friends because they will feel that she does not want to be connected to them and is distancing herself from the group.
Gossip and secrets are used my women and girls as proof of status: when a girl claims that she is friends with a popular girl, the way that she proves that to others is by showing them that she knows secrets that the popular girl can only tell her if they are friends. Boys, on the other hand, usually do not do this nearly as much because gossip does very little to raise their status, since their hierarchy is based on skill and winning arguments.
Women like to go over the small details because when someone asks them for those details, they feel that the person cares for them.
----
As of now, I think that everything goes back to how boys and girls grow up playing different games with different rules and types of hierarchies shape how they do everything in the rest of their lives. It also goes back to how the society you live in demands that you speak in a certain way (like how in some societies, you have to use "north", "south", "east", and "west" to survive): in order to fit in and function the children have to learn how to listen, speak, and act in certain ways in their conversations in order to find and keep friends and/or status. Men and women have to constantly look and listen for the changes in their friendships and their status when talking to someone and they have to act accordingly to try to keep the friendship alive.
I think that Tannen will expand even more on the argument that men want independence and status and that women want intimacy and connection by giving more detailed examples and scenarios. I think that she will also explain how people can adjust their conversations so that these misunderstandings can be avoided. I am looking forward to the "Lecturing and Listening" chapter, because I think that this is one of the biggest sources of conflict between men and women.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Excuse me, but how do you pronounce your name?
1: The first syllable in my name starts as a voiced alveolar stop "d" plus the front middle vowel "eh" : "De." The next syllable is voiced alveolar liquid "r" followed by a front high vowel "i" and finally ends with the unvoiced velar stop "k" "Rik" Combine the two together and you will get "dɛrɪk".
2: To start out, put the tip of your tongue on that bony part right behind your top teeth. hold the air in just for a second and let got if it to make "d". Then, follow it up with "eh", After, put your tongue slightly further back than before and let the air out as you roll your tongue flat again to make the "r" sound. Follow that with 'ih" and end it with "k" by having the back part of your tongue touch that soft spot at the back of the roof of your mouth.
2: To start out, put the tip of your tongue on that bony part right behind your top teeth. hold the air in just for a second and let got if it to make "d". Then, follow it up with "eh", After, put your tongue slightly further back than before and let the air out as you roll your tongue flat again to make the "r" sound. Follow that with 'ih" and end it with "k" by having the back part of your tongue touch that soft spot at the back of the roof of your mouth.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Research Book: Summary of the book so far Part 1
My research book is "You Just Don't Understand!: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. It is basically about how men and women both interpret things differently, how they both are looking for different things, and how these two factors influence the conversations they have with each other. So far, this is what I got from reading it:
Men see the world as a constant contest where he must always defend his position from others and advance forward, and women see the world as a constant struggle to prevent others from pushing them away and to get closer and more intimate with others. for both, conversations are "negotiations" to do those things.
Men want independence while women want intimacy. Women may become upset when the man does something on his own without consulting her because she always consulted him first on these things. To the man, the fact that he has to as his wife for permission means he is not independent. the wife, on the other hand, thinks that asking her husband first is a good thing because she sees it as being deeply involved with another person. He feels that she is taking his independence away, and she feels that they are not intimate enough.
Men do not like to be of a lower status: if they are, they tend to do show their discomfort of being of the lower status.
As for "nagging": women repeat the request because she is thinking that the man will do what she wants if she shows him that she REALLY wants it done. On the other hand, men do not want others to know that he is being ordered around by another person. As a result, men tend to wait a while before doing what the woman wants him to do in order to create a feeling that he is doing it on his own accord, that he is doing it independently. Then, every time the woman "nags", he will delay doing it again and again.
When communicating, especially when it comes to offering help, people convey two messages: a message that is created by the person's words, and one "metamessage" that is created by you tone, body language, gestures, or even the difference in "status" or "rank" between the speaker and the listener. For example, when bosses offer help to their subordinates , the subordinates might think that their boss is really threatening them.
"Framing": When you are chatting, giving advice, scolding, arguing, etc, you are giving yourself and the listener a "rank" or "position". When you are talking, are you positioning yourself as a teacher talking to a student, or a student looking for more help, or a boss talking to an employee. This will influence how both of you interpret things and respond.
Men speak and listen in terms of status and independence, women speak and listen in terms of connection and intimacy. This way of speaking and listening and thinking start to develop when they are young children: Boys play in groups and their games have winners and losers (and therefore a hierarchy), and they tend to argue and boast. Girls play in smaller groups or pairs, they do not play games that have winners or losers and they do not like to boss others around, and all they care about is intimacy with her best friends, not rank.
As of now, I am interested to see if Tannen is going to explain how to avoid misunderstandings due to the different ways men and women speak and listen. I am also looking forward to reading the "gossip" section of the book.
Men see the world as a constant contest where he must always defend his position from others and advance forward, and women see the world as a constant struggle to prevent others from pushing them away and to get closer and more intimate with others. for both, conversations are "negotiations" to do those things.
Men want independence while women want intimacy. Women may become upset when the man does something on his own without consulting her because she always consulted him first on these things. To the man, the fact that he has to as his wife for permission means he is not independent. the wife, on the other hand, thinks that asking her husband first is a good thing because she sees it as being deeply involved with another person. He feels that she is taking his independence away, and she feels that they are not intimate enough.
Men do not like to be of a lower status: if they are, they tend to do show their discomfort of being of the lower status.
As for "nagging": women repeat the request because she is thinking that the man will do what she wants if she shows him that she REALLY wants it done. On the other hand, men do not want others to know that he is being ordered around by another person. As a result, men tend to wait a while before doing what the woman wants him to do in order to create a feeling that he is doing it on his own accord, that he is doing it independently. Then, every time the woman "nags", he will delay doing it again and again.
When communicating, especially when it comes to offering help, people convey two messages: a message that is created by the person's words, and one "metamessage" that is created by you tone, body language, gestures, or even the difference in "status" or "rank" between the speaker and the listener. For example, when bosses offer help to their subordinates , the subordinates might think that their boss is really threatening them.
"Framing": When you are chatting, giving advice, scolding, arguing, etc, you are giving yourself and the listener a "rank" or "position". When you are talking, are you positioning yourself as a teacher talking to a student, or a student looking for more help, or a boss talking to an employee. This will influence how both of you interpret things and respond.
Men speak and listen in terms of status and independence, women speak and listen in terms of connection and intimacy. This way of speaking and listening and thinking start to develop when they are young children: Boys play in groups and their games have winners and losers (and therefore a hierarchy), and they tend to argue and boast. Girls play in smaller groups or pairs, they do not play games that have winners or losers and they do not like to boss others around, and all they care about is intimacy with her best friends, not rank.
As of now, I am interested to see if Tannen is going to explain how to avoid misunderstandings due to the different ways men and women speak and listen. I am also looking forward to reading the "gossip" section of the book.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Book I Chose
The book that I decided to read for the research paper is "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men In Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. The book seems to be an analysis of the roles of women and men in daily conversations, and how these two "cultures" that have "different-but equally valid-communication styles" can sometimes come into conflict with each other. Tannen also talks about the opinions of experts in many different fields of study and the help they offer in order to minimize these conflicts and misunderstandings that arise because of the differences in the way men and women speak, think, and react.
I chose this book because I have always noticed that there is some subtle difference in the way men and women speak and in the way they interpret and react to things they hear. This has always made me wonder about how gender influences the way a person speaks, interpret what others say, and react to it.
I hope that after reading this book, I will have a greater understanding and awareness of exactly how men and women both think and speak and how to use that to try to avoid creating misunderstandings and conflicts with others.
I chose this book because I have always noticed that there is some subtle difference in the way men and women speak and in the way they interpret and react to things they hear. This has always made me wonder about how gender influences the way a person speaks, interpret what others say, and react to it.
I hope that after reading this book, I will have a greater understanding and awareness of exactly how men and women both think and speak and how to use that to try to avoid creating misunderstandings and conflicts with others.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Seasons of My Languages
The Seasons of My Languages
As of now, I mainly speak English, which is my second language but also the one I use most of the time. I also speak some Cantonese when I talk to my parents and relatives, though it deteriorated a lot because ever since I started learning English in kindergarten and first grade, my parents made me concentrate on learning English and never made me learn Chinese (Now that I think about it, my Chinese was never really that great to begin with: even before I started to learn English I would not understand 2/3 of the things I hear on the radio or on the dramas my parents watch). Then, one summer day before I started my first semester in LaGuardia, I was watching a Chinese drama with my uncle and cousins when I realized that I had absolutely no idea what they were saying, which made me realize that my Chinese really was deteriorating. That scared me because I was losing my native language and soon I might not be able to communicate with my relatives anymore. As a result, I am currently doing whatever it takes to re-learn Cantonese as well as to learn Mandarin on my own as well as with some help by my family and my friends. I also took Spanish classes from 6th to 11th Grade. I was not really that good with it because I was not really motivated to learn it plus I got overwhelmed a lot and now I have pretty much forgotten most of what I have learned. However, I am actually willing to re-learn it too. I kind of am “unofficially” learning Japanese and Korean mainly by watching a lot of anime and a few dramas and figuring out what is what by reading the subtitles, also by listening to a lot of Japanese and Korean songs and looking up translations of the lyrics. I am now also “rediscovering” Chinese songs and movies, and I am also learning some of the language from those. In short, I can read, write, and understand English perfectly and fluently, I can speak and understand some Cantonese and Mandarin plus write a little bit of Chinese (and is improving steadily), I used to be decent at reading, writing, speaking, and listening to Spanish because of school but I forgot almost everything after not taking a class or practicing it for years, I also understand a little bit of Japanese and Korean mainly because of anime, music, and dramas. In the future, I want to learn/re-learn and become at least “more than decent” in Cantonese, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, and Spanish.
One question that I always wonder about is if borders of countries disappear now and assuming that everyone in the world can easily travel to anywhere they want, would the world eventually end up speaking one specific language (say Hindi), one “hybrid” language that is a combination of all of the languages, or would everyone be able to speak every language? I also wonder about what other factors, other than things like genocide, can cause a language to die out? Watching science fiction movies also make me ask myself if aliens from across the galaxy came to Earth, how easy or how hard will it be to decipher their language, and could their grammar and sentence structuring be very similar to one of the languages humans speak on Earth? Another thing that I have always wondered about is something that my mom always tell me: Chinese people are smart because of the Chinese characters. She still have never explained to me if and why this is true, and I hope that this class can help me figure it out. As for the creation of languages, I have always thought that is like making music: if a caveman uttered something one day and it sounds good to everyone else, it will be used to describe that thing or action for the rest of history, or at least evolve until it does that.
Before reading the article, I underestimated just how much languages play a role in shaping people and how they think. I was surprised that language can affect what people think as masculine or feminine or neither. I was also surprised that the use of words such as forward, backwards, right, and left versus words like north, south, east, and west can tell about a person and how they think. The article also left me wondering if language also effects things like a country’s food and music because my high school music appreciation teacher was explaining how French food and music are “light and fluffy and delicate” whereas German food and music is “heavy and solid,” which makes me wonder if their spoken languages are like that as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)