My research book is "You Just Don't Understand!: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. It is basically about how men and women both interpret things differently, how they both are looking for different things, and how these two factors influence the conversations they have with each other. So far, this is what I got from reading it:
Men see the world as a constant contest where he must always defend his position from others and advance forward, and women see the world as a constant struggle to prevent others from pushing them away and to get closer and more intimate with others. for both, conversations are "negotiations" to do those things.
Men want independence while women want intimacy. Women may become upset when the man does something on his own without consulting her because she always consulted him first on these things. To the man, the fact that he has to as his wife for permission means he is not independent. the wife, on the other hand, thinks that asking her husband first is a good thing because she sees it as being deeply involved with another person. He feels that she is taking his independence away, and she feels that they are not intimate enough.
Men do not like to be of a lower status: if they are, they tend to do show their discomfort of being of the lower status.
As for "nagging": women repeat the request because she is thinking that the man will do what she wants if she shows him that she REALLY wants it done. On the other hand, men do not want others to know that he is being ordered around by another person. As a result, men tend to wait a while before doing what the woman wants him to do in order to create a feeling that he is doing it on his own accord, that he is doing it independently. Then, every time the woman "nags", he will delay doing it again and again.
When communicating, especially when it comes to offering help, people convey two messages: a message that is created by the person's words, and one "metamessage" that is created by you tone, body language, gestures, or even the difference in "status" or "rank" between the speaker and the listener. For example, when bosses offer help to their subordinates , the subordinates might think that their boss is really threatening them.
"Framing": When you are chatting, giving advice, scolding, arguing, etc, you are giving yourself and the listener a "rank" or "position". When you are talking, are you positioning yourself as a teacher talking to a student, or a student looking for more help, or a boss talking to an employee. This will influence how both of you interpret things and respond.
Men speak and listen in terms of status and independence, women speak and listen in terms of connection and intimacy. This way of speaking and listening and thinking start to develop when they are young children: Boys play in groups and their games have winners and losers (and therefore a hierarchy), and they tend to argue and boast. Girls play in smaller groups or pairs, they do not play games that have winners or losers and they do not like to boss others around, and all they care about is intimacy with her best friends, not rank.
As of now, I am interested to see if Tannen is going to explain how to avoid misunderstandings due to the different ways men and women speak and listen. I am also looking forward to reading the "gossip" section of the book.
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